Houston Texans? More like the Bayou City God Squad
How the crazed Trumpian Fundagelicalism of Calhoun "Failson" McNair's regime has turned the Texans into a historic laughingstock among American pro sports franchises.
I’ve set out to write about the Houston Texans on here before and each time, my complete and total disdain for the McNair family and this shoddy and sanctimonious franchise sends me spiraling off into the ether of potential Unabomber Manifesto-length diatribes, detailing each and every one of their arrogantly boneheaded moves dating back to their inception two decades ago.
And so for now I will try to focus precisely on just the last couple of years, those surrounding the death of founding owner Bob McNair and the handoff to his failson Calhoun McNair, and Calhoun McNair’s falling under the sway of Jack Easterby, the Cackalacky Rasputin who seems to be the true man behind the throne down there on Kirby. (Calhoun McNair is not really the owner — Bob’s widow Janice is, and she handed off the day-to-day to him, who in turn has apparently abdicated to the charismatic South Carolina Sky Pilot. Or could it be that…Easterby is whispering sweet nothin’s in the ear of the widow McNair? Impossible? Not if you’ve ever seen As the World Turns or One Life to Live.)
The Texans braintrust: Easterby, left, and Calhoun McNair
With Easterby in the mix, it is becoming plainer by the day that the Texans — always a front office that has prioritized loud and proud faith over success on the field — are becoming more and more a Liberty University of the NFL. “The Bible is our real playbook,” I can just hear Easterby saying.
I mean, just look at this tool:
Anyway, just over the last couple of years they have traded away former first all-around draft pick to the Seattle Seahawks for almost nothing. This came not long after Bob McNair, in response to the Colin Kaepernick kneel-for-the-anthem campaign, told his fellow owners that he did not want to see “the inmates running the prison.” In response, Black players on the Texans took to referring the team owner as “the Warden,” and Clowney went so far as to attend a Halloween party in an orange prison jumpsuit.
“Well, now, we just can’t have that sort of behavior on our Christian pro football team, can we?” And so Clowney, who was then coming off three straight Pro Bowl seasons, was shipped away for peanuts; all that was memorable about that haul was the wonderful name of one of the stiffs they received in return: Barkevious Mingo.
McNair’s remark inspired another gem in the Texans crown to buck up and rebel — star wide received DeAndre Hopkins skipped practice the day after the news broke. Apparently that got him on the list too, as this year Hopkins was also traded away for little-to-nothing. (Rumor has it that the Texans leadership felt Hopkins was “too influential in the clubhouse” and disapproved of Hopkins’s domestic affairs — broadcaster and Hall of Famer Michael Irvin said that Hopkins told him that then-coach Bill O’Brien told Hopkins his off-field life was similar to that of convicted murder Aaron Hernandez and that he, O’Brien, was tired of Hopkins’s “babymamas coming around” the team.)
And so Hopkins was dealt to the Arizona Cardinals where he caught a franchise-record 115 passes for 1400 yards — including a walk-off Hail Mary snag that will be on highlight reels for eternity — and was named second-team all pro.
Neither of these moves nor several others sat well with superstar QB DeShaun Watson, nor have any the Texans have made since then, and now he is adamant that he won’t play another down for the team. When and if he leaves, the over/under for season wins for the Texas should be at about two games; 0-16 would be a very real possibility, especially as somehow this gang of God-addled loons managed not only to trade away almost all of their established assets but somehow their top-end draft picks as well.
Meanwhile, all this time, Jack Easterby, originally hired as team chaplain, has been rising in the ranks and consolidating his power in the front office. Many believe he has had as much a say as anyone over the hiring of the team’s new head coach David Culley and general manager Nick Caserio and also over the team’s most recent roster acquisitions.
Okay, background over. Here is where it gets fun. Look up the Texans hirings and transactions since the beginning of the year, Google those names and add “Christian,” and see what you get:
January 6: Nick Caserio named general manager. “I’m told Caserio is a good family man and devoted Christian,” we are assured by Texans beat writer John McClain.
January 28: Texans hired head coach David Culley. A 65-year-old man who has never been a head coach at any level, Culley is the oldest first-time head coach in NFL history. Which may or may not matter, but here is what does matter: per the Houston Chronicle, “Culley is a high-energy coach known for his positive nature and deep Christian faith.”
February 10: Texans sign Paul Quessenberry. While no evidence of deep Christian faith is apparent in articles about this inexperienced pro, a a graduate of the US Naval Academy who served five years in the Marines, such an angle would likely be subsumed by his unusual and compelling backstory. At any rate: solid citizen status: achieved.
March 6: Texans sign running back Mark Ingram. Is he an outspoken and devout Christian? Yes he is:
Ingram rushed for over 1,000 yards and led the team in rushing for the second straight season. His 1,124 rushing yards ranked 5th in the NFL and his 12 touchdowns were second only to Todd Gurley’s 13.
For Mark Ingram, his play on the field is key to the Saints success. But it’s his faith in Christ off the field that has helped with success in things that truly matter.
In December, Ingram spoke with Vintage Church pastor Dr. Rob Wilton, on his faith journey and how God is moving in his life over the past few years.
“The past two or three years, I didn’t just want to be one of those Christians who say ‘God is good.’ I just wanted to give him everything because He’s given everything to me. Don’t dab your toe in the water, give your full life to Christ and watch how he does miracles for your life.”
March 10: Lovie Smith hired as defensive coordinator. Is he a Christian?
The Smiths were Wednesday and Sunday regulars at Brown's Chapel [in Big Sandy, Texas], a little, nondescript Methodist church near where his mom's seven siblings and their offspring lived.
Brown's Chapel moved a few years ago into a red-brick building with white trim that's the envy of all the other churches in the area. It was paid for, in large part, by the checks Smith has sent every month of his adult life.
"As he grew higher, the amount grew higher," his sister, Martha, said.
March 11: Texans re-sign wide received Brandin Cooks. Is Cooks a Christian? Boy howdy, is he ever. Just take a look at his Twitter feed.
And many, many more. I think that’s pretty much all he has to say on there — he is a Christian, and you should be too.
The little archer emoji comes from the Bible, of course:
“Psalm 144:6 Send Forth Lightning Scatter the Enemy, Shoot your Arrows and Rout them.”
March 12: Texans sign linebacker Christian Kirksey. I mean, do you really even have to ask?
I was born and raised in St. Louis, Mo., by both of my parents in a household of five. My family and I are very religious. I grew up in the church. My father was a pastor and my mom helped with the ministry as well, so I was pretty well grounded in my faith.
This is a double-plus good signing for the Texans: a Christian named Christian.
I have been an active sports fan for 45 years now. Starting about 35 years ago, I became cognizant of the reality of sports teams as businesses. In all those years, across Major League Baseball, the NFL and the NBA, I’ve never seen anything as crazed and deranged as this sorry demonstration of smug, holier-than-thou incompetence, all balled up with reprehensible Republican politics. (Bob McNair was a major donor to and architect of the Swift Boaters for Truth and was far and away the NFL’s most lavish funder of GOP causes. Yes, this in a league of mainly Republican billionaires, McNair put them all in the shade.)
And they just keep on doubling down, apparently believing that the power of Evangelical Jesus is going to vault them to the “Promise Land” with a roster of broken-down veterans and talentless youngsters. Good luck with that; onward Christian Texans.
Okay, any employment lawyers out there? Could such a pattern demonstrate faith-based workplace discrimination? If not, why not?
Guess JJ Watt is a heathen despite his fund raising for hurricane victims. Wonder how much the McNair family contributed to those whose lives were seriously impacted by Harvey? Growing up, I was told, "The Lord helps those who help themselves" so he/she may be more inclined to help other squads.
Wow that's just crazy. This is a sad waste of a football team, Houston deserves better.